Fighting Beside Seneca

I have never been a “follow your passion” guy. Frankly, that seems like such a privileged, first-world notion. As much of the world (now & throughout history) struggles merely to survive, we tell young people, with little education and no real-world experience, to figure out the most meaningful thing they have come to understand in less than 20 very self-centered years and then pursue it for the rest of their lives. Really? Don’t get me wrong, I think your work needs to be compelling, in some manner, and something that you can feel good about at the end of the day. But what happens when the mortgage payment is dependent upon that passion? Do you look at it differently? And what does that say about all the “blue collar” or service-related jobs that we all depend on, every day? Not worth your respect? Please… Graduating with a four-year degree, $40k in student loan debt, and no clear path to a job that will allow you a reasonable lifestyle is not noble, nor is it wise. It’s silly. An...

Examples of absurd behavior based upon the need for affirmation from others is endless. Pervasive social media is nothing but. The current President is, obviously and painfully, in constant need of applause and adulation. In the workplace, it can be ugly. You can be assured that much of the epidemic of anxiety is driven by the same need. Why? Why do you care what others think of you? Why allow yourself to be so wrapped up in something so totally outside of your control? Are you really that unsure? The better question may be: are you really that ignorant? You must recognize the opinions of others are rooted in just that… ignorance. They don’t know you at your core. They don’t know your motivations and hopes and dreams. They don’t know your values and priorities. And they don’t need to. They’re yours. Abraham Maslow, the brilliant psychologist (think Hierarchy of Needs), offers guidance on this topic: “The highest quality that a human being can reach is to be independent of the...

Owning your goals, obligations, and well-being is important. Teaching your children the same… critical. However, there is a key point that often needs to be made. You can’t do it all by yourself… Life simply doesn’t work that way. Real maturity is about recognizing your strengths and weaknesses; it’s about knowing what you can do and where you need help. And sometimes, it’s even about knowing what’s worth your time and what is not. When it comes to well-being, most (though not all) recognize that you need a doctor, a dentist, an optometrist. Maybe you need a mental health counselor or a spiritual advisor, maybe guidance at the gym, maybe lessons in healthy cooking. You need others with skills, knowledge, and insight to help you look after your health and well-being. How about finances? We work hard to get through college, often taking on loads of debt, so that we can then work hard to land a good job or build a business. And then… we work hard! All of this in the purs...

Criticizing others is easy. Finding fault seems, all too often, to flow naturally. And it’s ugly and small. Rarely do we actually understand the motivations of others. Rarely are they considering us as much as we think they are. Should we get something wrong, we think an “oops, sorry”, should be adequate. Surely, the other party must understand that we would never, intentionally, (insert whatever transgression here). But we can easily be convinced that similar actions by others border on the unforgivable. I’m not referring to the genuinely illegal, immoral, or unethical. That’s a different standard. (Usually… St. Augustine tells us that “an unjust law is no law at all”, but that’s for another day) But the daily hurts and frustrations and annoyances that we allow to impact our peace of mind. At times, we are truly astonished by the actions of others. Let’s say it’s the driver who almost cuts you off as they speed by. Maybe they’re rude and reckless. Maybe they have an emergency o...

With so many versions of 12 Rules to Live By published lately, how could I not? Here you go… Accept in your soul that life is short and live like it . Do not go gentle into that good night. Life is not fair… never has been, never will be. Know that fact and move on. Focus on what you can control . Take action on that. Accept and let go of the rest. (By the way, you can’t control what others think or say or do…) Advocate for yourself. Take care of your health, become educated (however you can do so & libraries are free), look out for what matters to you. And shut down that voice in your head. Life must have goals. If you don’t push yourself, you don’t grow. Self-esteem comes from achievements. To live is to fight. (or, in the words of Seneca: vivere militare est ) Like it or not, every day is a fight. Even if only against yourself. You must define success for you. There is always more… most know less. You are not special. We are all children of God. Every person is ...

On most any list of admired or preferred personality traits you will find confidence . Why? Do you actually think that competence precedes confidence? Of course, we must start with definitions. Oxford for this one. Confidence: a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities Right. Because that’s reliable. A feeling… One’s appreciation of one’s own abilities… You need not be a sage to recognize that plenty of people have unearned and unreasonable “confidence”. Every Washington, DC politician is confident. Yes, those intellectual giants. Every CEO that has ever run a business into the ground was confident. There seems to be no more important trait to instill in your children these days. Shouldn’t they actually do something first? Might confidence get in the way a bit? Might humility be preferable? Epictetus, the slave who became a famed Stoic philosopher, said: “ It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already kn...

I considered the title Rethinking “Selfishness” , but advocate is such a powerful word let’s go with it. I often refer to definitions because words mean things, and those things matter. It’s important to consider two here. Advocate: to support the cause of; to speak or write in favor of Selfishness: seeking personal advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others I have always been struck by the fact that when Jesus was asked which commandment was greatest*, he answered that “You should love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind”. He went on, “The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself”. As yourself! Not that loving your neighbor is always easy, but Jesus’ working assumption here is that you love yourself! Prefer Buddhism? Fine. Buddha said, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”. Maybe philosophy is your thing. In the Enchiridion, Epictetus...

There are many models for achieving your goals. As simple as this one is, it covers the elements that I think are necessary to get started, stay focused, and hit your target. ·          Decide o    Commitment o    Alignment of subsequent actions ·          Plan o    Develop an understanding of obstacles o    Defined actions & timelines to address o    IN WRITING ·          Execute o    Concerted effort on planned actions o    Review progress & reflect o    Iterate plan, as required ·          Achieve o    Will to push through to the end o    Reflect on your WHY o    Celebrate If you have not read, “What you want to do does not matter…”, start there. Making the decision to ...

I once read an Inc. magazine article where the author, a leadership expert, lamented the phrase “it is what it is” as stupid, dangerous, and, ultimately, the abdication of responsibility. Might some use the phrase in that manner? Sure, we have the ability to bastardize and destroy most anything. However, I could not disagree more! I, too, have used those very words and in a leadership context. Why? For the simplest of reasons… If you are unwilling to accept circumstances for what they are, you cannot address them. More than the words, the underlying meaning is critical here. Any challenge, any difficulty you may face, will only be made worse if you are unwilling or unable to see it for what it is and accept it. Those difficulties do not care how you feel. Those difficulties do not care if you take action. Those difficulties do not care if you search far and wide for another to blame. Merely wishing something to be different, will not make it so. If, however, you can accept a...

The theme of this blog is Vivere Militare Est… to live is to fight . Those words, written by Seneca, were a play on the phrase from Cicero that to live is to think . Well, I think we need to make a very specific distinction regarding our thoughts. At times, thought is deliberate. We may find ourselves trying to solve a problem, considering something for which we are thankful, or otherwise be focused with our thoughts and attention. This is good, though getting more difficult with all the avenues of technological distraction. However, we all have a constantly playing soundtrack in our heads that is not at all deliberate. A fundamental fact of these thoughts is that we absolutely do NOT have to entertain them. Ugly, self-limiting thoughts flow through our minds and negative emotions begin to well up, but you do not have to accept them. Those thoughts and emotions are just that… they are not who you are. They are not real. Do not entertain them, do not relate to them, and they do no...

I’ve written about the power of the word “decide” and will have more on that later in “A Model for Getting Stuff Done”. The goal here is to keep it simple… Whether large goals or small, we can all struggle at times to make the progress we would like. Often, we convince ourselves that we simply do not know how or where to start. We are under the impression that starting requires a straight path, swept clean. At no point in time has any endeavor of any significance been that easy. Seneca himself said that “we suffer more in imagination than in reality”. Isn’t that what procrastination is, just a form of suffering? The easiest way to relieve that suffering is to start, even if starting means the smallest of actions. The key word being “actions”. Why? Because even the most minute step towards a goal feels like a win. This is the reason large goals should always be broken down into smaller goals that can be achieved AND celebrated. I’ve always illustrated with the climbing of a mo...

You’ve heard it, said it, thought it… “I’ll be happy when/if…”. The human search for happiness spans all time and cultures, past and present, and is happening right now in your own head. Unfortunately, we often see happiness as event driven. To state the obvious, that makes unhappiness event driven, as well. Do you really want to leave your happiness up to events that you do not control? While one might argue that is just a poor idea for any number of reasons, hedonic adaption ensures that is a poor idea. Hedonic adaptation is the concept that human happiness, basically, reverts to the mean after positive, and even negative, events. If you hit the lottery, you will be absolutely euphoric… for a bit. Big promotion and associated pay raise. That’s awesome… for now. “So… I can’t be happy?”. No. You can. You just can’t leave it to that unchecked brain of yours. You must own it. You must understand yourself. You leverage that lottery to lift-up others, to gain new expe...

  My son and I have long had an understanding summed up in the phrase, “I will let you fail”. I’m sure that many would read that as harshness or a lack of concern. No. Quite the opposite. It is, precisely, because of my love and affection for my son that I was willing to allow him to suffer through the consequences of his decisions. Most of his life will be as an adult, making his own decisions. What parents so often to fail to realize is that protecting their children from difficulties of their own making is not done for the child, it’s done for the parent. It is much easier to prevent those challenges than it is to stand by and be ready to help them through the aftermath. But we do not grow through ease, we grow through difficulty. Learning from small disappointments today, may inform the avoidance of larger disappointments (or worse) later. Lessons are painful, but aren’t lessons the very purpose of the parent? Let me illustrate. My son joined cub scouts as a 6-year-old ...

So here is a hard lesson… what you want to do does not matter. Sorry, but it’s true. People live their lives filled with wants, dreams, and “someday”s that never actually get their time, energy, and focus. The simple truth is that the only thing that matters is what you decide to do. Let’s get clear on the word “decide”. Webster offers a couple of definition options (and they pair really well here!): a) to make a FINAL choice; b) to select as a course of ACTION. (Personally, I think “decide” is the most powerful word in the language, but more on that later) Wanting to do something, if not irrelevant, is but step 1. There is enormous power, however, in deciding to do something, because only then do you have finality & action. In finality, the choice has been made. You have moved from the hypothetical to the specific, from “I want (hope, dream…)” to “I am”. This allows for focus and the setting aside of other options and distractions. The goal has been defined. In action, you ha...

Seneca, the Roman statesman and Stoic philosopher, wrote those words to a friend in response to his letter detailing numerous complaints. Complaints about people behaving like people. Complaints about things not going his way. Seneca’s words are a play on Cicero’s line that “to live is to think”. While I suppose that may be true, life is certainly a fight. Everyday. If nothing else, you’re fighting against your worse inclinations… anger, fear, envy, and for your best… kindness, courage, wisdom, self-control. Hopefully, we’ll explore these ideas a bit here.