Do them a favor… let them fail.



 My son and I have long had an understanding summed up in the phrase, “I will let you fail”. I’m sure that many would read that as harshness or a lack of concern. No. Quite the opposite. It is, precisely, because of my love and affection for my son that I was willing to allow him to suffer through the consequences of his decisions. Most of his life will be as an adult, making his own decisions. What parents so often to fail to realize is that protecting their children from difficulties of their own making is not done for the child, it’s done for the parent. It is much easier to prevent those challenges than it is to stand by and be ready to help them through the aftermath. But we do not grow through ease, we grow through difficulty. Learning from small disappointments today, may inform the avoidance of larger disappointments (or worse) later. Lessons are painful, but aren’t lessons the very purpose of the parent?

Let me illustrate. My son joined cub scouts as a 6-year-old first grader. The very first rank of Tiger cub. He continued, becoming an avid backpacker and rising in rank until only Eagle remained. Considering that he had started at the first rank and the pinnacle was within sight, I hoped that he would get there. However, it takes a significant amount of time, commitment, and effort. As a teen, he became distracted by video games, girls, and video games… I had seen other parents push their sons. “Eagle is a great achievement.” “It looks good on a college application.” “It looks good on a resume.” Sure. True. However, Eagle Scout is an achievement for the Boy Scout, not Mom and Dad. I was clear with my son, letting him know that 1) I would not make him do it and 2) I was here to help when and if he needed me.  Three days before his 18th birthday (the age limit) he completed the requirements. He did it ALL. Today, he knows that achievement is his, precisely because I would have let him fail. It’s all his and had I not been willing to risk watching him fail and look back with regret, I would have robbed him of the satisfaction of the effort and challenge.

Today he is a college student. And there have been other instances with higher stakes. He’s dealing with those consequences now. Nothing insurmountable, but avoidable, self-inflicted challenges. He’s well on his way to becoming the capable, independent adult that he’ll need to be when he completes his degree and heads off into the world. At that time, he’ll know that I’m here for him (if he asks) and he’ll be better prepared than he might have been.

Be willing to let them fail. It’s part of the job.

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